Sometimes I have it and sometimes I don't. Right now I definitely have this intangible groping for it; like my soul is leaping out of my body in strands or thin tentacles, searching in a perfect circle for it-- but it seems to be located right outside the circle. It does a taunting dance in which it touches the edges, creating an excitement... but it's just a teaser.

Evolution or degeneration? It's the question I ask in my theory of the english language-- and it's the same question I ask of myself. I'm definitely heading in some direction, but not understanding my starting point gives me no clue as to whether I'm heading north or south or east or west or right or wrong or some place that is neither right nor wrong. Maybe it's right in some areas but wrong in all of the others-- but I don't know anyone who is old who can really say everything is right where they are. I am headed right, for sure. But am I? I can't as well say that I am like an onion, because I'm not an ogre, obviously. I can't compare myself in words.

What is 'it?'

I could give you multiple answers. Should I name them? Would you know more about me? Maybe. I had a dream that I went insane recently. My father says it's because I've been frying my brain, to which I questioned, "What about when you were younger? Did you have these kinds of dreams? You did worse shit than I've done." He responded No; not a good answer when you occasionally ask yourself where your sanity is going sometimes. Can't blame it on the drugs, I guess. But honestly, I haven't done that many at all. Not enough to incite these eccentric dreams. I also keep dreaming I'm vomiting oatmeal; I can feel the mushy yet wholesome texture in my mouth and it has a very plain flavor. It is also very thick. Maybe it's the sexual repression. Maybe it's the environment in which reinventing yourself is creativity; to be able to switch between different mindsets in order to achieve a different force of Art. I almost spelled that like forse.

Or maybe, it's a longing to settle down into one type or version of myself instead of having this reinvention and find out that it's the most attractive one, the one that is the most fun to be around, the one that makes you laugh the most, the one that is great at art, the one that is able to sing, the one that has the most gravitational pull. But how can I prove to myself that this is myself? The trickiest part-- that's when I would start to recede back into the less attractive versions, the versions who are awake at 3:22 am typing in my blog about my psyche, reflecting on my life and choices, how I might go about doing things differently tomorrow, or Monday. I had to switch tenses from third person to first-- it just goes to show who I don't want to be. But am.

What versions of me are there? They've come in waves-- you can tell when they change based on my hair color; isn't that sad? It's like trying on wigs and being different people, like an actress. I don't think that YOU can actually tell if I'm a different human or not, but the interior decorating does change bit by bit with every change of the roofing color.

The furniture's all the same though, thank god. Red roses were planted outside. Or maybe it's more like 10 stop signs? The nail polish bottle called it 'Brick red' so maybe it's a new brick wall. The point is, I've never worn nail polish on my fingers before this spring break.

I don't want to be shallow; I just want someone to say, "Hey! I notice you! I know that you've sang in class and all, and we've even hung out quite a few times. But I want you to know I look at you. I like who you are and what you look like. I like you for you." But this is the desire of every creature! Not just myself, right? Justification. And I'm not changing myself specifically for other people; the changes I make about myself are made by myself. As in, I make them for me and I agree with the changes. Justification.

And I don't want to be mean, but I do want some callous fun sometimes in life.

I've been reading lately, can't you tell?