It's finally getting to the point where I'm confident enough to make right decisions.
I am awesome and don't deserve shit.
I know awesome people that don't deserve shit.
I won't feed into it anymore.

Aw yisssss

Got woken up today by my perpetually crazy mother stalking my house even though I told her yesterday that I don't want to see her because she is insane. I told her I wasn't home (though I was-- I'm still really beat from my stomach virus. I slept for 16 hours! I finally got some wonton soup to stay down last night!), and she kept insisting to see me and I said no, you're stalking me which is kind of crazy.
And then she texted back omg get a grip bye. So hopefully that's that.

Afterwards I fell back asleep and had some really disturbing nightmares about her showing up at my house and then I looked down at her, and she cut her hair like mine and dyed it like mine and was begging to come up and see me. I kept screaming at her to go away, and her body kept morphing into a weird version of mine. She had a tattoo on her arm that outlined all of the veins that bulged out (she has very veiny hands, and in my dream she had grotesquely veiny arms), and the black vein outlines morphed into type that said "Marry Me I Love You" or something. I think I was thinking about my dad in my dream and how he could help me and that he was once married to this person. Somehow she forced her way in and was like a maniac saying, "Look how petite we are Kate, you look just like me. What size are you? I'm a size two now." And her veins were jumping and pulsing through her skin and she looked as thin as she was back when I was in 4th grade and she was 80 or so pounds and never got out of bed.
I kept telling her to go away and that I didn't want to see her, and at this point she gets really angry. She gets angry at this sort of thing in real life, but in my dream she decided that since she was my mother and brought me into this world, she can take me out of it since I didn't want to see her anymore. So she got a pencil out and tried to stab me with it.
We fought and I didn't know why I wasn't winning right away and I woke up for a couple of seconds and went back to sleep, still in the same dream.
Now I was alone and frantically looking around the room for her. I kept thinking of what would have happened if she stabbed me and picked up a pen off of a shelf. But this is a pen I actually own in real life, where you can pull it apart at the middle and on the inside is a hidden blade. I pulled it open and stood there ready with the pen blade. My dream ended here.

Fucking terrified of becoming my mother someday.

On that note, I need to spring fever to happen so I can get over Joe and stop being a crazy person.
And I also need to eat a sandwich or something.

It's been a while since I updated this. I guess because I've been so busy. Portfolio day in NYC is coming up soon (on the 12th at splashlight studios) and so I've been prepping for that. I think I might be sick, but I can't tell if it's cause I am sick or if it's all stress. I've been throwing up now and then. Sigh.

I hate playing the field. I hate all the people on the field. I love doing flash. I want to sleep forever. I miss Joe. I make bad decisions. I'm scared of the future. I have low self esteem.
But life has been more fun lately.

I feel like a puffy void.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

I want to be buried alive.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

GAD can occur with excessive, unrealistic worry over a long period of time. The anxiety may focus on issues such as health, marriage, money, career or any of the other worries the modern world can present us with. In addition to chronic worry, GAD symptoms include trembling, muscular aches, insomnia, depression, feelings of unreality and irritability.

Generalized anxiety usually does not cause people to avoid situations to the extent that people suffer who from panic disorders do. It’s the constant thinking, the constant dwelling on oneself day in day out, and the inability to shut the mind off that so incapacitates the person.


Sufferers of Depersonalisation or Derealisation feel divorced from both the world and from their own body. Often people who experience depersonalisation claim that life "feels like a dream", things seem unreal, or hazy; some say they feel detached from their own body. Another symptom of this condition can be the constant worrying or strange thoughts that people find hard to switch off.

People often say that no matter how hard they try, they don't feel like they can interact with the world around them. They feel a sense of detachment from their surroundings, finding it hard to talk and connect with others. Also they feel no love for the people closest to them and even question if they did a certain task or had a particular conversation. The most upsetting thing is they lose a sense of who they are and can't seem to perceive themselves as being normal.

Depersonalisation is a common and understandable offshoot of the anxiety condition. Before going further into depersonalisation, let me clear up one thing that I get asked often. “No, you are not going mad.” This feeling comes from being constantly worried about your own problems, it is not serious or harmful in any way and has a totally logical explanation. It is temporary and, with patience and understanding, eventually passes like any other symptom.

Symptoms of anxiety

Blurred Vision, eye floaters.
Shortness of Breath.
Difficulty swallowing, lump in throat.
Headaches, tight band around head.
Pins and needles feeling in arms and legs.
Feeling dizzy, unbalanced.
Feelings of anxiousness and dread.
Unable to think clearly.
Feeling like you are going crazy.
Emotionless, lack of feeling for anyone or anything. Sometimes
Ringing ears.
Hyperawareness of oneself.
Strange, obsessive thoughts.
Feeling overwhelmed, cannot cope.
Racing heart.

Other symptoms

Lack of sleep.
Difficulty communicating with others.
Lack of sex drive.
Fear of being sick.
Feelings of anxiousness.
Constantly Irritable.
Sweating.
Feelings of depression.
Feeling unreal, detached from the world around you.
Hyperactive, unable to relax.
Lack of energy, constantly tired.
No interest in life. Sometimes
Paranoia about what people think.
Constantly worrying.
Dry mouth.

I think I also saw somewhere that nightmares was a symptom.


Nicole was actually the one who initially looked all this stuff up and told me about it.
Since I started my new diet/exercise regime, I've been feeling a shit ton better, but this explains a lot as far as why I was depressed and crying all of the time. There actually is something wrong with me! With a name! And I can fight it and have been without even knowing it but still realizing all the same.

My worrying all the time makes sense now!

I almost forgot that I once looked like a little boy (aka Ellen Page circa Hard Candy).
Man I miss being real tiny like that, but god damn, I was so hungry back in the day.

This weekend was pretty good, but I think I might have been going a little overboard lately. I'm tired of life.
I don't want to be depressed, so I try and numb it. It doesn't work all that well sometimes. I really have to just go to the gym and get fit and that will make me feel happier. I cannot wait for school to be over.

I used to be a lot cooler.
It's back to the two week cycle thing, what was happening before Joe. A new boy becomes introduced somehow into my dating jawn every two weeks.
Aaaaand I usually hate them all.

And it's really funny because I talked to the bartenders at T Mom's about Joe and they told me some really creepy stories.
I think it will get a lot easier from this point.
But still.

I just have to stop feeling awful and exercise more and drink less.
And maybe delve into some animation.

Sigh. I just wanna hold hands.