Got woken up today by my perpetually crazy mother stalking my house even though I told her yesterday that I don't want to see her because she is insane. I told her I wasn't home (though I was-- I'm still really beat from my stomach virus. I slept for 16 hours! I finally got some wonton soup to stay down last night!), and she kept insisting to see me and I said no, you're stalking me which is kind of crazy.
And then she texted back omg get a grip bye. So hopefully that's that.

Afterwards I fell back asleep and had some really disturbing nightmares about her showing up at my house and then I looked down at her, and she cut her hair like mine and dyed it like mine and was begging to come up and see me. I kept screaming at her to go away, and her body kept morphing into a weird version of mine. She had a tattoo on her arm that outlined all of the veins that bulged out (she has very veiny hands, and in my dream she had grotesquely veiny arms), and the black vein outlines morphed into type that said "Marry Me I Love You" or something. I think I was thinking about my dad in my dream and how he could help me and that he was once married to this person. Somehow she forced her way in and was like a maniac saying, "Look how petite we are Kate, you look just like me. What size are you? I'm a size two now." And her veins were jumping and pulsing through her skin and she looked as thin as she was back when I was in 4th grade and she was 80 or so pounds and never got out of bed.
I kept telling her to go away and that I didn't want to see her, and at this point she gets really angry. She gets angry at this sort of thing in real life, but in my dream she decided that since she was my mother and brought me into this world, she can take me out of it since I didn't want to see her anymore. So she got a pencil out and tried to stab me with it.
We fought and I didn't know why I wasn't winning right away and I woke up for a couple of seconds and went back to sleep, still in the same dream.
Now I was alone and frantically looking around the room for her. I kept thinking of what would have happened if she stabbed me and picked up a pen off of a shelf. But this is a pen I actually own in real life, where you can pull it apart at the middle and on the inside is a hidden blade. I pulled it open and stood there ready with the pen blade. My dream ended here.

Fucking terrified of becoming my mother someday.

On that note, I need to spring fever to happen so I can get over Joe and stop being a crazy person.
And I also need to eat a sandwich or something.