I broke up with Joe.
I feel really awful about it. All last night and part of this morning I just cried. I drank 3 shots and a beer in 40 minutes and just cried.
He's a good person. Probably better than me and he doesn't deserve a wishy washy girlfriend who keeps her mouth shut tight. I can't handle the routine we sank into, though. I never could tell how much he actually cared about me. I have a small idea now,
but.
I'm again, as usual, in a bad place.
I'm a bad person, and an awful girlfriend, and sometimes in an existential crisis.
I just want to be able to say to a guy that I'm upset, or manic, or staring at the walls for hours and don't know what I'm doing and I'm going insane

and then have them say,

"I'm going to come over."

Never happened. Never will.

At least I have Nicole.
I don't want to hurt people I still really care about.

I want to cry more.