I've been all kinds of bored and frustrated with myself.
My sleep is totally out of wack; it's past 6:13 am and I still cannot sleep. I tried sleeping at like... 4:30
opened my window and everything to coerce the coziness of my sheets and everything.
Sleep just isn't kicking it with me.
I can't find the will to do art.
I can't find the initiative to try and hang out with UArts kids, though I miss them a lot.
I've not done anything at all. I've done nothing with myself except play banjo now and then, eat, watch movies, go on the internet, and sleep. I hang out with the kids now and then (Kae Lani, Natalia, Kyle, Arielle, Lindsey), but I need SOMETHING to happen. Something that makes me want to wake up in the morning. I have nothing to care about, so I just sleep until 4 pm.
I miss UArts and having a sense of purpose. Hopefully things'll be better after the New Year. At least I have New Year's Eve to look forward to. I actually have plans, hah.
I don't care about a lot. I don't care much about my v-card anymore either. Fuck my v-card, to be honest. I'm tired of being surrounded by sex and guessing at what it's like, and having a good idea at what it is like, but never experiencing it. Not to be like my sister, but jesus christ. She doesn't even know how many guys she's had sex with. She's had all kinds of sexcapades, and she's ONE year older than me.
I am not asking for much in my old age. I just want to have someone I like well enough and am fairly comfortable with (or I could have a couple of drinks and get more comfortable that way), and do it. I don't need magic. Shit, light a candle; that'll make it magical enough.
I mean, I have like 4 candles. It'll be so magical it'll be like having sex with Harry Potter.
But honestly. As I get older, I find the value I attached to things when I was younger falling away. I want to live my life as a woman.
1 comment:
Yeah, I know what you mean with the not caring. I have done that a lot the last half of this semester. Nothing came of it, but still. And it feels like I've had trouble even writing the way I used to for the last two years. Every time I think my writing's gone back to normal, it really hasn't. I haven't done much of anything I'm proud of, and this semester, I sort of quit caring about that too. I wonder if part of it was having to go to bed early all semester. I always thought I worked much better at night. And I kept having to be asleep by 12:30 so that I could be awake for class. And even on the weekends, I'd still get tired ridiculously early. Blah blah, anyways. That's me, maybe not the same thing, but kinda. What are you going to do in the summer?
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