My friend James M. mgiht get kicked out of the dorms, so we all had a little shindig for him with cookies and burgers and rice and corn and dip and love. Tomorrow is judgement day for him; he receives a letter that tells him whether he stays or not. We're all holding our breath for him. He's a good man; and hilarious.

Right now I am self-checking.
Whatever do I MEAN by self-checking? It's where I step back and look at my own thought. This is all made much easier since my phone has drowned in Logan Square's fountain. I don't know what time it is most of the time and my family can't reach me. My friend's can't reach me. It is a time of semi-solitude. I still have the internet though.

I'm hopefully getting a new one tomorrow.

Anyways. I've been going out of my mind with frustration. I'm incapable to talking to guys I like. It's a disorder. A phobia. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but it's unhealthy and has no real basis to why it's there. I'm real cool in the beginning with them; I'm unsure and still don't care if they don't like me or not. And then I like them and care and clam up because I don't know if I'm obnoxious or fat or just a turn off. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to talk about. All the things we had in common, and still have in common, somehow drop away with this tension I feel mounting in myself. This tension that wasn't there before and made it so easy to just look at them and see their eyes and not barred windows. I can't see inside of them. I can't help but fear what they might think.
I don't speak. When I do speak, I stutter. When I think I've stuttered incoherently long enough, I peace out.

And then that's when I'm pretty sure I lose their interest. I have nothing to offer them; at least not in that state. It is understandable.

I get to the point where I think I am not good enough. I see whoever I like with other girls and imagine how much better they are for them than I would be. Maybe because I have had no experience. Maybe because they don't freeze up and can be flirty.

I'm not sure how to get past this. Let loose and go for it? Risk my emotions and my friendship? Risk being thought of as a lunatic? Aren't I thought of as a lunatic already at this point? I think I am a lunatic. Jesus christ.

It would be so much easier if they would just make the move.
It would be so much easier if I let go my emotions. I've done it often enough before. Tom and Nicole encourage me not to; but this is like... the way I cope.

Instead of doing something, I do nothing at all.

I don't want this to happen though. Not again. But it probably will.

I am a ship at bay, never to see waves.