If you don't feel like reading something depressing/annoying, skip reading this post.

All right so! Hallo everyone.
I am a bad thing. I am a bad friend and art blogger.
I really don't have many friends I actually chill with. Only just like... 2. Occasionally 3. My dad says it's because I don't put myself out there and ASK people to hang out. Well, once upon I time I did. And all of the planning and things were one-sided. I would always be the one to call. I would always be the one to plan. Fuck. Why can't I ever be the one people want to hang out with? Natalia is good at making plans too, which is something I am grateful for. And I usually have to call Chelsea though.
Chelsea is definitely one of my favorite people and best friends, but I always feel a lack of HER wanting to hang out with ME instead of just ME wanting to hang out with HER. I feel like an intruder, you know? It's cool when we hang out and all-- but just once I wish she'd pick up the phone and call me for once to hang out.
Damn. And then the other day, one of my friends that I thought I was never ever to see ever again called and said she missed me!!! Yun Kyung, she is so nice. I talked to her a bit, but then my phone was on the cusp of death, so I had to hang up. But once my phone is recharged I will hang out with her once again. Right now she's in New Brunswick for college, but it's only an hour away so it should be cool.
Anyhow, the point I was trying to make before was that once upon a time I put a true effort into friend-making and hanging out, but I never received the same enthusiam. And this was when I was acting fairly normal. So after a while I stopped and tried to see if people would call me for a change. And guess what? They didn't. Why? Because there must be something wrong with me. Maybe I'm too clingy? Well it's all cured now. If people think I'm clingy now they're fucking insane. I'm a hermit. I wish I had more really good friends.
This is really upsetting me. So many people have groups of friends, fucking cliques. I don't particularly like cliques, but I've never really been a part of one. They're not even like cliques anymore. They're just people who know each other really well.
Fuck fuck fuck. I'm sorry guys. But now and then I just take a step back, look at my life, and then I see how unhappy I am with it. How many girls have never had a boyfriend at my age? HOW? None. Once again, I am alone. I truly truly hate admitting this. Honestly. Writing this down has actually been an EFFORT. All of these things. But I guess it's therapeutic.
I think my mom is going a bit off her rocker too. She's never around people really anymore. Maybe I get it from her. I'm at least around people at school, and I'm friendly with everyone and 'friends' with them-- but they're all school friends, you know? I've never hung out with them outside of school. We're all there for the ride and just want to find someone else pleasant to pass the time with. I love my mom and everything, but I really hope I don't end up like her. I actually want to cry. This is annoying.
And I need to do art and I hate being in my basement doing it because the lighting's all wrong. I want to go upstairs and paint by the big window, but I don't know if my dad will let me because they're oil paints and will stain. But I'm really good at being clean.

ARGH. I hate this. I feel unfulfilled and unwanted and unneeded and upset and more kinds or words that start with the letter U. Underdog. Underworld. Under bed covers. It's derfinitely probably my disposition. The way I act. But this is me. And this is me. These are me.

I need some color up here. I took a walk around the neighborhood and took photos of weird houses I like, so they'll be up soon with my little commentaries. They're very awesome. Waterfountains and gardens and statues and porches. You'll like them.