Weird scene

So today I was driving and I saw a motorcycle and how I want one, but how it must suck because you can't carry big things on them. And also on my mind was the Amulet of Samarkand. And then I had this ridiculous scene appear in my mind. It gets a little dirty. Sorry. And the PoV is of a male. Here's the scene:

Pealing down the road in the blistering heat, I was thinking to myself how fucking stupid this was and how I was not getting paid enough. And also how I'd like a drink. Or air conditioning. Anyhow, all of this was the old man's fault. If he's so magical, why couldn't he just poof himself over to this Vladimir guy's house and pick up the amulet himself?
I passed a road sign: 35 mph. Maybe I was going a little too fast doing 70. Harley sputtered, but then lowered his speed to a less threatening 40. Maybe I could buy a better bike with the little bit of money I got out of this messenger job. Poor Harley's getting old and rusty in his later years.
The reason the old fart told me he couldn't just "poof over" to get the amulet was because there were too many magical defenses. And also it's too hot and he's too old. He got really longwinded about it, how his hip hurt him and he'd have fainting spells and a bunch of other total bullshit, but I had already scowled and left by then.
I turned into a gravelly driveway, hundreds of bluntly jagged stones crunching under my tires and heels as I slowed to a halt. The house was nice. Gray, very normal looking. No one would suspect that it was a front for a magical artifact store. I swung my leg over the side of the motorcycle, flipped down the kickstand, and then trudged my way up to the front door.
There was a man already waiting there for me. He was in a dark blue suit and silk baby-blue tie, his dark blonde hair gelled perfectly forward, and sitting on his slightly wide nose were a rectangular pair of thick black glasses. He looked only a few years younger than me. Maybe 24?
"So, you were the one who was sent for the amulet?" He inquired. Holy fuck, he looked like a college kid still.
"Yeah. Vlad, right? So where is this thing?" I said while looking around the room. The walls were just as gray as the exterior, but glitters of gold and silver dotted the floors, chairs, and tables.
"It's upstairs."
He lead the way up the stairs and to the right. The first door on the left was the one we went into. There was nothing in the room except a chunky old wardrobe.
"Okay so, I really have no idea how you're gonna get this thing out of here..." The blonde haired kid raised his hand to his hair nervously.
"What the fuck is this. It's a fucking bureau or something."
"This is the amulet that your employer wants. It's made of a very nice wood."
"I came here on a MOTORCYCLE thinking I was picking up some gem on a string or some shit. How on earth can this be considered an amulet?!" What was this guy thinking. What.
"Well, it wards off evil spirits, I'll have you know."
"BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S AN AMULET."
"It's all a matter of how you interpret 'amulet,' you see..." Oh hell no. This kid was not getting all collegey on me.
"Shut up right now."
"What?"
"Tell me what the hell this thing does. Or I'll punch you." I felt the blood boiling in my face like some simmering cauldron. It was 90 degrees outside. I would need to steal a truck for this.
"Erm... Well, it's actually like a supernatural sex toy."
I felt the boiling bubble down for a moment.
"Oh, really?"
"You go inside and have sex with as many succubi as you want and your soul stays in tact. I basically had sex with 10 succubi in this thing one night, they were all thinking they were gonna snatch my soul... It was pretty much the best night of my life."
"Wait. So you had sex inside of a fucking wardrobe, shirts smacking you in the face. You can't even see their face."
"Um, who really has to? Besides, there's a room in there."
"This is like some twisted version of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. But actually that sounds pretty sweet. Huh. An amulet-wardrobe-sextoy."
"Yeah..."
We both looked at it admiringly. It was really beautiful when the light hit it that certain way, showing all the golds and reds in the wood... The blonde kid drew a breath to talk to me again.
"I have some honey roasted walnuts downstairs if you want any. They're as equally amazing as this thing."
I nodded slowly. "Yeah. I'll go steal a mack truck or something in 10 minutes and get this back to the old pervert."
We both plodded out of the room and down the stairs to go enjoy some delicious nuts.


Um. So yeah. This was probably one of the more ridiculous scenes I have imagined. It gets slightly raunchy, I know. But I find it a little funny. I picture the main character a little Wolverine-esque. Also when I was thinking of what would be the most ridiculous magical item that you'd have to bring home on your motorcycle, I automatically thought big chunky wardrobe. And also what would be the most ridiculous and unpredictible power? Well... You've all already read. I hope you all don't get weirded out on me like that one drawing post I did. Oh well. You'll just have to duck and cover every now and then.

Erm. Bye.